Ewan Vs. McGwire
by JLennongrrl
Summary: What happens when Ewan and McGwire fall in Love with one woman..the silly things that lead up to the fight for her.


Ed note: This story will make absolutely NO sense, but I needed to upload it as it is the first in a series. It's still in a rough draft form, but the rest of the series has been written out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tammy came home one day and found Ewan sitting down with his pants unzipped and he's like "Hey baby, lets go". He was looking pretty nasty, like he was on crack or something. This made Tammy pretty sick. She had just came home from a baseball game, where she had met a nice player by the name of Mark McGwire. She looked at Ewan and was like "I've met another man that's really nice, and he would never treat me like this. I'm leaving you for him." Later on that night, she left Ewan for McGwire. About a week passes, and Ewan realizes just how miserable he is, so Ewan tries to get Tammy back. He meets her at the beach, and he's like "Tammy, I love you, I'm sorry I treated you like that. I'll change. Please come back to me." Tammy didn't know, but McGwire had found out that she was going to meet Ewan here. After she leaves, McGwire beats his ass. Tammy found out about it, and wouldn't give McGwire any that night cause she was pretty pissed. McGwire goes over to Christine and the Big Show's house and plays pool, drinks, and laughs about Ewan all night long.  
  
McGwire goes home to Tammy the next morning and is there only an hour when Ewan showed up with a gun and he's all in McGwire's face like "so you think it is funny to beat my ass, big boy?" Tammy jumps in the middle and calms everyone down then they have a ménage a trois.  
  
The next morning while Tammy was sleeping McGwire duct taped Ewan's mouth dragged him out of bed and put him in an insane asylum. Before he left McGwire said, "Hehehe while you are in there I am going to take Tammy away get married and go into hiding!!!! "Ewan is screaming NOOOOOOO.  
  
The next day Ewan gets loose and goes to try to find Tammy. He looks everywhere he can think of, and when he couldn't find her, he goes to a bar. When he got there, Christine and Big Show were there. He asks Christine if she knows where Tammy is. As it so happens, Christine doesn't really care for Ewan, so she bitch-slaps him, and then her and Big Show leave. Ewan sits down at the bar, and looks up. The TV was set to ESPN, and it was broadcasting the wedding of Mark McGwire, so Ewan found out where it was going to be.  
  
Right as Tammy and McGwire were about to say their 'I dos' Ewan shows up and is like 'Tammy I love you!!!!!' Big Show jumps up and slaps him and knocks him out. Tammy runs over to give him mouth to mouth, and when Ewan wakes up she says, "I am going to marry McGwire but on Tuesday I will sleep with you." Mcgwire carries Tammy out and she thinks everything is cool but Mcgwire had gave Big Show a look and show grabs Ewan and throws him against the wall and puts him in a coma.  
  
For their honeymoon, Tammy and McGwire go on a two-week cruise, which stops over in England. When they stop, Ewan gets on the boat to find Tammy (he has just came out of his coma). His luck is extremely good, and he finds himself in the room next to Tammy and McGwire's honeymoon suite. Ewan thinks McGwire is in the room with Tammy so he doesn't go in there but McGwire is on the top deck with his friend, Sammy Sosa.  
  
While taking a bath, Tammy feels that Ewan is in the next room and she Kool-Aids him (smashes through the wall to get to him). Someone tells McGwire that they hear screaming in his suite, and he comes back as Tammy and Ewan are getting it on Pamela and Tommy lee style (taping that shit). Ewan sees McGwire and grabs the video camera (for memories) and runs out of the room. Ewan is running and McGwire is chasing him and the whole time the camera is still on that is where that McGwire chasing Nike commercial comes from.  
  
Ewan hides behind Sosa and Sosa is like "McGwire why are you chasing this puny white boy?" McGwire answers, "This man just fucked my wife". After hearing this, Sosa turns around and starts chasing Ewan with McGwire. Ewan's only option of escape is to jump overboard, and swims towards a deserted island that is in the distance.  
  
When he gets there, he discovers that Christine and Big Show are there on their honeymoon. Big Show sees him and is all like "Stiney-poo!! Look it's the little bitch boy!" and he goes after Ewan. Ewan let's out a Satan cock after him Jarod gay scream and flings himself back into the water. Ewan swims back towards the boat and doesn't see McGwire coming after him. When he does, he discovers that McGwire is afraid of the water and can't swim so he has on goggles, a red swimming cap AND water wings!!!!! McGwire is like, "ARUGHHUHH I got you now!!" Ewan starts laughing at him and says, "What are you going to choke me with a water wing?" McGwire grabs Ewan by the hair pulls a big chunk out and punches him so hard that the sheer force pushes Ewan unto his own pants. Ewan goes into another coma and floats off like an empty bottle.  
  
When Mcgwire gets back to the ship, he finds that Tammy is gone! Viscera, who wants her to help him find his brother BT, kidnapped her! ! ! !!  
  
After Ewan gets out of his coma, he remembers someone he met during the filming of Star Wars Episode 1, YODA!!! He decides to go before the jedi counsel to ask him for help in finding Tammy. Yoda tells him to go to a wrestling match, and watch for a wrestler named Viscera and his female friend.  
  
Meanwhile, McGwire is putting up missing Tammy wife posters, and Big Show is going around choke slamming everyone trying to help him find her. McGwire goes to Christine and Big Show's house all the time crying. Vis ends up making Tammy into a wrestling chick and she wears the Leia slave outfit including the scary chain and leash. We don't even know that it's her because she has this scary hair and face paint and has on these scary big Vis looking contacts. Big Vis sets up and fight between Christine and Tammy and there are strange drugs in her contacts that make her think Christine is trying to kill her so she Stine down for the 3 count.  
  
Now this whole time Ewan is all the way up at the top of the stadium because he has been in the hospital so much with comas that he had to get he cheapest seats in the house. He has been trying to get down to the ring because he knows it is Tammy, but all of the security guards are being dumbasses.  
  
After Tammy gets the 3 count she notices me but before she could say anything Vis grabs her and starts to run off. She screams "Stine help me!!!!!" Big show goes after them but is stopped by Buddy Holly, Big Bopper, Bill Haley and Roy Orbison look-a-likes who beat his ass. Ewan gets down to the ring after they had beat up Big Show and starts chasing them but they hit him and he falls in the way of the door and they shut it on him.  
  
Christine has to take Big Show home and he and Mcgwire are sitting around bitching and moaning about not being able to find Tammy. So, Chyna comes over and beats their Asses and is like FIND TAMMY NOW!!!!! But they get all upset because they got their asses beat by a girl so they go to he bar to have a drink. They get to the bar and Ewan is there and he sees them and he is all scared because he doesn't want to go into another coma. Mcgwire goes over to Ewan and gets emotional and is like "this is all your fault if I hadn't had to beat your ass she would be here!" Then he starts to cry.  
  
Meanwhile Tammy is with big Vis and she is acting nice to him so she can hopefully get away but Vis is shocked because no one has ever been nice to him in his life because when he was little his momma, daddy and brother left his bitch ass. And so he starts to love Tammy and he asks Tammy to marry him and Tammy is like um no I am already married and Vis is all like well we'll see about that he duct tapes her mouth and throws her in the trunk of his car and drives off  
  
When we return to Mcgwire and gang, Mcgwire is acting like he is going to beat Ewan's ass because Tammy's disappearance is "all Ewan's fault." Ewan goes, "if you ever hurt me again you will never find out the kind of car Vis drives and the license plate number." After Big Show hears this, he holds Mcgwire back because Mcgwire is hysterical and didn't hear a word Ewan said. They get info from someone and find out where Vis is headed.  
  
Tammy is still in the trunk but she can tell the car is going west. Along the way, Vis stops and lets Tammy out so she can eat and use the restroom, then he puts her back in the trunk and keeps driving. Finally he opens the trunk and they are in front of a porno shop. He makes Tammy buy this scary dominatrix outfit with these scary boots then she finds out they are in Vegas. Vis takes Tammy to a wedding chapel that also does divorces. Vis decides he wants to be married by Elvis.  
  
Meanwhile, Christine and the guys are in Vegas looking for Tammy and they notice that they are completely screwed because there are hundreds of places to look, so they decide to split up.  
  
Back at the chapel, Tammy is forced to sign the divorce papers and is about to be married to Vis when Big Show busts in. She is like, "BIG SHOW!!" Then Christine busts in and she is like, "STINE," then Mcgwire busts in and Tammy is all "MCGWIRE" then Ewan busts in and she is all "EWAN" (kinda like a Janet Weiss RHPS thing). They all come forward to beat Vis' ass when someone else busts in and its BT. BT is all like, "my brother, you don't need to marry this white woman." Vis starts crying like a bitch and its' a big Oprah reunion moment. We see our chance and run for the limo that we all came in.  
  
When we get out there everyone finally notices Tammy's lovely outfit. Mcgwire is all like "HMMMMM" and I had to bitch slap the Big Show for drooling on Tammy. Mcgwire is all like "since we have to get married again you have to wear this on the honeymoon", then he looks up and Ewan is staring at Tammy. Christine is sitting there flashing the Big Show so he won't stare at Tammy and McGwire says to Ewan, "Even though she signed the divorce papers and you helped us find her she is still my woman" and then he throws Ewan out the sun roof. Tammy gets really pissed and makes the driver turn around to get Ewan. An idea pops in her head and she says "ok since this is all about who is going to be with me I have an idea we will all get married and move to Utah like Mormons." the guys are all bitter and shit but they cope. Ewan wants to get married in Vegas so he and Tammy get married and Barry White performs the ceremony. Then Tammy and Mcgwire have a huge wedding and Ewan is the best man and I am the maid of honor and Chyna is like the flower girl. Then they all go on a cruise to Scotland where each of them has their own rooms and the dudes always come to Tammy.  
  
Ewan decides to buy a huge house in Scotland and they all move in and people start bringing over house warming gifts. And Vis comes over with his new wife NIKKI!!! Nikki gives Tammy 2 sets of handcuffs and a whip and Vis gives her 2 dog collars they leave and BT comes by to give them a TREE to plant in front of their house. Then Tammy has like 800 kids and McGwire and Ewan start to get along and eventually they all sleep in the same bed and Tammy is never cold in the winter again!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
